Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Life AFTER Africa

I keep thinking I will post today. And then the day passes and I'm tired and I don't post. To be honest, I am having trouble blogging. The things I knew to be true three weeks ago seem to not be quite as important or the same as before. Nothing has changed here yet everything within me has changed. I am the same person I was three weeks ago and yet my heart is different. I am in a bit of limbo; still processing the amazing adventure we had the privilege to embark upon. Still wondering what on earth we are supposed to do when we finally grow up...if we ever truly do. One objective we sought going to Africa was clarity for us for our future. The truth is, it is clear that Africa needs us/others. It is clear that other countries need us/others. But the blurry part is how or when. The focus of where, how, when, who...those are the things we struggle with today. And, it was much more peaceful in Africa. Eric and I lived in a blissful world where he didn't have to go to work, our communication was on target 99.9% of the time, our kids were quiet (ok, so they weren't there but we missed them to death), and we never fought. Re-entering life as we know it has been difficult. Nothing around us has changed yet we have. Eric hit the ground running at work and we still haven't had an opportunity to reconnect with each other and process. Understandibly our kids are acting out a bit after feeling somewhat abandoned in recent months. There isn't enough of me to spread out over all of them yet they need me. We are addressing some of the most difficult attitudes and behaviors we've experienced thus far in parenting. And it seems as though all I want to do is cry out in frustration and say, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??" The things we take for granted and hold of high importance are really truly meaningless. And yet I know this is a feeling I hold as a result of the emotional confusion I feel about life. How can they or anyone else understand? Now, do you see why I haven't posted in so long? I cannot narrow down my thoughts. I can't clearly articulate the passion, emotions or feelings that scream AFRICA.


Blogger Cassie said...

frustration seems to be a common theme...

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If God is your guide, He will provide. His timing is perfect. If you are called to the mission field, God will make it happen. It sounds like you need to debrief...
Miss you!

9:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give yourself time, let God be in control. If and when you are to go He will let you know when and where. The hardest part is to let go. just slow down, relax, spend time with your children and Eric. Love, Johnsie All this becomes easier with "age", not that I am old, but I do remember having frustrations as you describe how you feel.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow Pam, you have a lot to sort through no doubt. You will get grounded here soon and see things a bit clearer, maybe. Your heart is where it should be and that is what really counts. You will do as you can when God nudges as you have already. It cannot be fixed in a trip and knowing you are here to help promote more acts in Africa, has to please God. Thanks for your sincere words.

10:59 AM  

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